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Surviving On The Streets: A 9 Step Guide.
Lost your job? Been kicked out of the house? You're now living in a gutter aren't you? Or would a gutter be a step up? Well, chin up old chap, because here is your chance at clawing your way back to the top. Just follow these 9 simple steps, and before you can say "Anything for five bucks", you'll be back in your old life, as good as new.
Step 1: Shelter.
You need a home of some sort, from which to go about the next eight steps. Nothing fancy now, remember, you're probably starving, broke, and filthy. We're not looking at Ritzy accomodations for you right now. Even a large cardboard box might be out of your range at the moment. I'd suggest a large tarpaulin hung overtop of an overturned shopping cart, or failing that, a newspaper held above your head. Don't worry, This won't last for long, once you start making money, and scrape a bit of the dirt off yourself.
Step 2: Set up Shop.
You need a business of somekind to finance any further ventures. Again, nothing fancy, this is only a temporary employment until you have a nice feel for your surroundings, and have stolen a suit of some sort.
Make a sign advertising your business. I'd suggest a working title along the lines of "will work for food", or if scraps and cockroaches satisfy your appetite(You can live for a long time on lighter-toasted insects my friend. Remember, you are above nothing. Nothing), you might progress to "will work for loose change". However, this sign will only act as a front to your REAL business of selling ground-up glass and grass clippings as high-priced, fancy drugs. Trust me, the buyers will come a callin' the moment you wink and nod towards a back alley at the first person to walk by. Just remember, cash up front!
"But what will happen to me when my customers discover they've been ripped?" you ask? You'll never know! Your sparse accomodations make it possible for you to relocate your business to a new street corner any time they come to complain/shoot.
Step 3: Movin' on up.
If you are succesful at step 3, you should accumulate quite a sum of loose bills stuffed in your socks, or perhaps a grocery bag if you're really doing well. It's now time to funnel this money into high-risk money making ventures, like a shiv, or shoes! After all, you're going to need to protect that nest egg, or be able to flee should your assailent be better armed than you. With your new best friend tucked away, and your rancid, callous-covered feet hidden in a half-decent pair of boots, it's time to concentrate on a true dream house.
Step 4: This old house.
Find yourself a dumpster, preferably in a back alley, and preferably rarely used. This
5-sided oblong box of metal is a bit of a fixer-upper, granted, but beggars can't be choosers, and you're at least seven steps away from begging at this point my friend.
You will notice that atop the dumpster, are one or two hinged lids. These will act as your front door, and second-story window. You want to tip the dumpster on it's narrow end, so that the lids will end up on their sides, stacked atop eachother, facing away from the street if possible. To do this, I would suggest emptying the dumpster of it's contents first (keeping an eye out for anything a)valuable, b)wearable, c)edible, or d)moving. The latter can be sold to petshops as exotic animals, kept as pets, or grouped with b) or c). ) Then, proceed to use a crowbar to lift the dumpster off the ground, stuffing rocks or bricks underneath to prevent it falling, and repeat until vertical. This may take some time, so start early in the morning, as you don't want to be on these streets at night my friend, trust me. Voila, home, rusty home.
Step 5: Decorating.
You live here. Let people know that. Use oily garbage or bleeding things lying around your house to write your given name, personal nickname, or any religious rantings you feel appropriate on the front of your house. Perhaps add a plant or two to liven up the place. Patch up a few of the rust holes with newspaper, cardboard, or animal furs. Nail various objects to your walls. Hang a picture. Just don't get caught stealing it.
Step 6: Security.
This is your house. Built by Inco, tipped by you. That took work. Be proud of it. And guard it with your life. You aren't the only person on the streets you know, and by now, you're living in pretty up-scale conditions. For a smelly homeless person that is. And yes, you DO smell. We'll deal with that later. Protecting your little domicile is easy, but will take constant vigilance. Refrain from sleeping, and perhaps blinking, if you maison d'umpster is in the rougher part of town. Clutch that shiv, which by now you have now doubt engraved, named and given voice to. Mutter to yourself, your knife, and any tresspassers within earshot. Consider rigging up a simple pull-string-triggered gun aimed at your door/lid. Perhaps scatter broken glass and metal shards on your front lawn. Scream every now and then to let them know you mean business. Throw bottles at any source of noise whatsoever. Take whatever actions you feel necessary yo protect you and your squalid box.
Step 7: Cleaning you up.
At the moment, while you see yourself as living in the lap of luxury, the rest of the world sees you as filthy. And smells you as nauseus. And hears you as insane. (That'll take more than a bar of soap to fix, so don't worry about it right now.) What you need is a good shower, a clean set of clothes, and a shave. Failing that, bathe in a public fountain, trade more fake drugs for decent clothes, and groom the stubble a bit with a comb, or a modified fork. (This goes for the ladies as well.) Don't you feel better? Doesn't the world see you in a new light? A new, trusting light? You're ready for the next step.
Step 8: Scamming.
It's a fact. You don't have money. Other people have lots of it. All you need is a good scam and the equation balances out. I'd suggest the "water inspector" one to you, or the "cuorderoy horse", but legal issues prevent me. You're on your own here, but once you've accumulated a grand or two, and few police records in various states/provinces, move on to step 9.
Step 9. Homeward bound.
With your pockets full of money from a full day's work, and your fingertips covered in ink from a routine fingerprinting, you're off the streets, and back to your normal life. Enjoy it. Your body is a few pounds lighter, and your police record is a few pounds heavier, but you yourself are very much wiser, and have many stories to tell the grandkids. Just leave out the bits about eating cockroaches and stabbing that guy.
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