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Solutions to Everyday Problems:
Have a problem that you need fixing, but can't find an applicable solution anywhere? Just pick a random one from the list below, and said problem will go away in 2-4 weeks, guaranteed.*
-Stop picking at it, apply some balm of some sort, and stay out of the sun, the dark, and any degree of brightness imaginable. Sucker.
-Talk to them, using hand puppets and diagrams. Laugh at their jokes and console their fears. Or for more fun, laugh at their fears and console their jokes.
-Use a coat hanger and dental floss. No, seriously, it will work. Trust me.*
-Stop, take a deep breath, drink a glass of water upside down, and submerge your face in cooking oil for the count of 20 Mississippis. (That means spell out Mississippi in your head 20 times. If you mess up, you have to start from the beginning.)
-Visualize you goal, embrace your challenge, and repeatedly stab your obstacles. With a fork.
-The straw goes in the top of the pop can.
-The straw goes in top of the cyclinder, and you hold the lighter under it, until the water boils.*
-The straw goes in the end of your nose, the other end hovers over the top of the mirror.*
-Twist the top counter clockwise, while pushing down. Then, lift. Ha, a bunch of snakes popped out, right? Ha Ha HAHAHAHAH HA ha ha Ha heh heh heh.
-Aerobacise!
-Avert your eyes immediately, bathe in cold water for 15 minutes, and cover with a damp cloth for a period of a day. Oh yeah, soak the cloth in WATER, nothing else. Not rubbing alchohol, not iron filings, certainly not vinegar, WATER. This is no laughing matter, mister itchy eyes.
-HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA SNAKES!!!! HAHAHAHA YOU SHOULDA SEEN YOUR FACEHAHAHAHAHAHHA
-Consult a psycian immediately. Or a psycyologist, or a psyciatrist, or a psychoanalyst. Heck what's the difference. Just consult some psych thing. But not a psycopath, that can only lead to disaster, or hijinks. No psycopaths.
-Gather all important papers, including all copies of Archie(TM)(C)(Rg) you own, and burn the lot. See you in Hell Andrews. No more burgers for you Jughead. That'll teach 'em to make convoluted ironies and bad puns. And those damn word jumbles really tick me off.
-Lock all doors in your house, seal off cracks with hot glue and caulking, making entire house airtight. Paint windows black. Paint walls black. Paint ceilings black. Paint floor black. Layer paint repeatedly. Leave paint cans open. Congrats! You now live in Huffville!
-Don't do drugs. McGruff said so, and do you want to argue with a six-foot blood hound packing heat? I thought not.
-Cauterize the wound. That means stick it against a really hot piece of metal. No, the wound you idiot. That's your...well, there, now you've gone and cauterized your whole face because you didn't listen to instructions. Tsk Tsk. See above.
-Consult the bank for a loan. And by consult, I don't mean rob. Put the gun down. My we're awful hasty today, aren't we?
-HAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHH I just can't get over the whole snake thing. It was priceless.
-Plead insanity. Like you need tips on that.
-Plaigerize!*
-Just be yourself. Oh, that's the problem? Well, sorry, I can't help you in this limited space. You need several AA meetings, baths, pills, and parole board hearings to fix what's ailing YOU.
-Check your wallet, underwear, and safety deposit box. Mail me whatever's in the first and last one, and clean out the other one.
-Cut the red one. And the blue one. If you cut them all at the same time, what's the difference, right?(Hey, wouldn't it be funny if a bomb squad sent a guy to disarm a bomb, but he was colour blind, and he was like "I've got 10 seconds left, which wire do I cut?" and the guy on the walkie talkie was like "Cut the red on, the red one!" and the bomb guy was like "okay, I'll just cut the, wait a second I'm colour blind, D'oh!" that'd be pretty funny huh? I should be in movies.)
-Lock your knees and lift with your back.
-When all else fails, consult someone who actually encounters problems, rather than sitting at home in front of his computer wasting his life writing this stuff. He don't know Jack.
*Not really. Do not listen to this. Ignore this completely. For the love of all that is holy, if you value your life one iota, pay no attention to this advice at all.*
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