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Enough With The Restraining Orders!
Okay people, enough is enough. I have as much of a sense of humour as the next guy, but I feel this has gone on for too long.
For those uninformed of my private life, which I hope is most of you, allow me to explain.
A few years back, I received a restraining order from a celebrity whom shall remain nameless. I'll admit, I deserved it, and have followed the guidelines established by the judge to the letter. This was soon followed, however, by a restraining order from another celebrity who also shall remain nameless, whom I had never met! Imagine my surprise, when I was instructed, for no apparent reason, not to come within 500 metres of said celebrity, or surrender all legal rights and be lead to jail. I accepted this, being the law abiding citizen that I am, and thought that the end of my legal troubles. But it was not to be. Within a week, two more arrived both from actors whom I quite respect, and would never stalk. By the end of the month, the total had reached 10. And the numbers soon grew. They didn't stop at restraining orders either. Cease-and-Desist orders became almost as popular, but never quite reached the same fashionableness as a good old order of restraint. Now I hear you say to yourself, "10? Why would 10 successful, powerful Hollywood actors and actresses, who could have you killed with the bat of an eyelash, have reason to fear you, Adam, let alone acknowledge your existence with a restraining order?".
It appeared that, for the socially elite, having a restraining order slapped on me was the newest fashionable trend. At the Oscars that year, several stars, starlets, and the odd director began proudly displaying copies of the order they had sent to me. "Mine was issued by the finest Judge America has to offer." They'd say "Adam's not allowed to e-mail, fax, call, approach, me or even see my new movie, the sap." Then they would smile brightly, and answer questions on how the viewers at home could get their hands on one.
While you might think this greatly affected my daily activities, the fact is that I rarely have the opportunity to approach within the 500, 1000, and even 2-mile boundaries, and so was not too inconvenienced. That is until the trend spread to the non-acting population at large. I soon found myself unable to enter stores in my town, because there would always be at least one person, (whom I had never met, let alone stalked) inside waving an order and laughing. My closest friends began writing them up, and a few began collecting and trading them like baseball cards.
Now, I am forced to exist in a narrow corridor, a no-man's land between restraining orders, plotted out on a large wall-map in my bedroom, that constantly shifts as the restrainees go about their activities. My basement has been converted into a storage facility, lined wall-to-wall with filing cabinets which store the sheer volume of orders which consistently flood my mailbox each day. My parents had dozens made up, to give to my immediate and extended family, as Christmas gifts no less.
And so, I am asking you now, please, drop the restraining orders. One man can only be the butt of world-encompassing joke for so long. I just want to walk down a street, for once, without having someone yell at me, wave their designer restraining order, call the cops, and throw rocks at me for fun. Please? Thank you for your time.
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