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Money
You want a little extra spending money to, say, spend. If you can think of a better use for money, do that as well. But you don't actually want to work, do you? No problem. However, as the saying goes, "You need money to make money", so here's a little guide to get the money in the first place. On second thought, in the second place as well.
- Set up a charity in your name. Ask people to donate to the "Save the Dave" fund (If your name is Dave. If your name is say, Bill, or Mary, then you're out of luck. Sorry.) Assure donators that it is entirely tax-deductable, and for a good cause. If they inquire further, run.
- Position yourself beside an ATM machine, and ask people depositing money if they would rather give money to a cold, heartless machine, or a warm, kind, personable human being. Namely you. Extoll the benefits of "that personal touch" they get by giving their money to you, rather than to a flashing box. Ask them what kind of world we live in where they prefer to deal with machines rather than living, real people. Allude to mom and pop stores being closed down by heartless, big name companies. If questions are asked, run.
- Start an art-neuveux restaurant, situated in a back alley, where the guests are fed cockroaches skewered on used toothpicks, served on broken plates and cardboard. Advertise as being "trendy" and "avant garde", and charge high prices for entrance and meals. If Federal Health Administration inquires, run.
- Tape a sign to your back reading "Give me money". Walk slowly.
- Find a five dollar bill. Put it in an envelope. Get thousands of other envelopes, leave them empty, seal and shuffle them, and charge people $1 to purchase an envelope.
- Stop people on the street, and point out to them the decline into a materialistic, capitalist, dystopian society their fixation on money is dragging them into. Offer to help them fight the corporate machine by disposing of their fives and twenties of oppression. Be prepared to run.
- Set up a "Give me money-5$" booth. If people point out the irony/stupidity of paying to give you money, point out their ugly faces and horrible smell. Duck.
- Tell people that you are on your way to becoming a millionaire, and that they can purchase your worthless possessions now, which will be worth much more in the future as memorabilia. If they ask about how you will become a millionaire, insist for the money first, explanation later.
- Set up a big, black booth on the street corner, and charge people admission to you "Chamber of Horrors". Oh yeah, make sure you position the end of the tunnel over an open manhole, to dispose of any troublemakers.
- Go to a ball game. When someone buys a hotdog from a vendor, yell fire, and pick up the dopped money after the stadium has emptied.
- Sell people twigs for large amount of money. When they ask about the twigs, look around hastily, grin, nod, and whisper "Oh no, they're SPECIAL twigs", nod some more, and grin. Wink. Nod. Grin. Repeat.
- Thrust your head under people's feet, and sue.
- Wait until someone receives change from a purchase, 25c or less. Ask them for it. If they refuse, mumble "Oh well, looks like suicide then."
- Sell squares of pavement for large sums of money. Include certificates of authenticity, and magic marker with which people can autograph their plots.
- "Throw a rock at me-$10"
- "Will agree with anything you say-$5. ANYTHING."
Thankyou.
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