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Headlines!-May 9, 2001.
Massive Layoffs at PureDrivel.20m.com!
"I took care of our little 'not-being-funny' problem." says Adam
Ontario- After learning of the shoddy quality of material being produced by his highly-paid writers, Adam Panter, owner of PureDrivel.20m.com has announced that he has since fired "quite a lot of people", apparently amounting to over 65% of his staff. When asked about these rather extreme measures, Adam merely responded "I was paying them to be funny, and they failed. Miserably. Hence, the pink slips for everyone even associated with those authoring the dispicably un-droll trash that was being placed on my website, and credited to me."
This news comes as a shock to those employed by Mr. Panter, who claim the work really wasn't that bad."It wasn't our greatest stuff, but I think firing us over it is a little extreme." According to some, working for PureDrivel.20m.com was a well-paid job, with full benefits. "I have a wife and kids to support!" shouted one enraged former-employee. "I have a drug addiction to support" shouted another. Mr. Panter remains unsymapthetic. "They sould be thankful. Those who I didn't fire, I flogged for seven hours straight. A good bludgeoning will teach the ingrates to produce funny stuff, not the depressive rants they wrote before. I truly feel that if you give a man fish, he eats for a day. If you beat a man within an inch of his life, let him sit, and then beat him senseless again, he produces funny stuff. I truly do." When asked to elaborate, Adam began reciting verse by Tolikien, put on a bright blue, pointy hat, and began running in circles, making airplane noises.
The sacking of dozens of employees has caused many to become suicidal, and as the sun rose over the horizon this morning, it cast it's first few rays on the bruised forms of many disgruntled workers, who had attempted to end their lives by leaping from rooftops. Being the rural town this is, there are no buildings higher than two stories, and so these valiant depressives had thrown themselves from the highest available heights, only to find that these heights just weren't high enough to fully realize their goal of harri-kari. Being only minorly injured, these men then apparently climbed back up to their respective pinnacles, to hurl themselves once more. Judging from eyewitness accounts, this continued long into the night.
Now hospitalized, these men are angrier than ever at their former, megalomaniacal, boss. When asked to of his opinion of the large number of deaththreats he had received, Mr. Panter only said "EEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRROWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR", and continued to circle.
Will this spectacle of human cruelty and unfunny articles end anytime soon? Not until the horror that is PureDrivel.20m.com is shut down, and all records of it's existence erased from the human consciousness. This reporter suggests swift and thorough lynchings, and perhaps a bonfire or two.
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