An Expose, by PureDrivel.20m.com

  10:02 PM: The search for a suitable test subject has, after hours spent rummaging through the refrigerator, produced a jar of Cheese Spread circa 1994, and a can of olives circa 1997. Both dates are clearly marked on the containers, the text is only slightly marred by the covering of a green fungus which has leaked from the lid of the cheese and spread down the length of the jar. The olive can's date is cleary legible.
  10:03 PM: The jar of cheese spread is consumed. Flavour is doubtlessly cheesy, with a slightly metalic after-taste. Consistency is irregular, ranging from watery to chunky. Colour is uniform cheddar yellow, save for the aformentioned green mold covering the top in concentric circles of growth, ranging from a dark forest to a light lime.
  10:05 PM: The can of olives is opened, and consumed. Brine is murky and greenish, olives are mushy and tasteless. Pimento is notedly delicious though.
  10:07 PM: The reviewer has yet to notice any physical effects of the food, although a lingering odour, taste, and swollenness of the tongue are duly noted. Can and jar are recycled, being placed in the metal and glass bins, respectively.
  10:11 PM: Reviewer begins to notice white spots appearing in his field of vision. White spots disappear, to be replaced by green spots, and later, red spots. The reviewer senses that these spots are evil in nature, perhaps being the embodiment of hate, or maybe discontentment, on earth. Whatever their nature, the reviewer attempts to stab at them with his can opener, and falls to the floor. Reviewer began to drool. Sharp pains in stomach affirm effects of food on reviewer's body.
  10:30 PM: Reviewer awoke from a hazy dream, in which he had been chased by wolverines through a river of blood, and fell screaming towards earth, only to be consumed by a gaping chasm which opened beneath his feet. After a lengthy scream, reviewer observed a layer of cold sweat which beaded his forehead, and an inability of focus his eyes. Pupils are heaviy dillated and cold to the touch. Upon further exploration, reviewer determines that his eyes were like two deep pools, and attempted to dive his fingernails into them, resulting in much pain and more screaming.
  11:14 PM: Awakening. Blood clouds vision. It is quite difficult to stand, though the attempt is made. Reviewer, after struggle, relinquishes control of body to gravity, and slouches onto floor. After taste is now decidedly earthy, and bits of cheese and olive remain lodged between molars. Reviewer decides to call 911. This is made difficult due to the layer of blood and vomit which covers not only the reviewer's hands, but much of the surrounding room. For it's lack of adaptability and ease of use, the reviewer deducts a star from his rating of the telephone.
  11:30 PM: Ambulance arrives. Staff is friendly, helpful, rush reviewer to hospital. Ambulance is cramped, to say the least, and a higher overhead would be appreciated in future visits. Overall, though, the reviewer gives the Emergency rescue staff a four out of five, with points being deducted for lack of focus in decor of ambulance.
  11:45 PM: Reviewer arrives at hospital.
  12:00 PM: Reviewer has stomach pumped. Food is noted to be of equal quality, with respect to flavour and consistency, going up as compared to goind down.
  7:00 AM: Reviewer awakens in hospital, from a heavily medicated, troubled sleep. Experiment is deemed concluded, and a success.