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Assembly
So it's Christmas Morn, or shortly after. And someone received something from someone that comes in 12 pieces, and includes model glue. And you're all high and mighty, and volunteered to assmeble it, and strode up all lumberjack-like, and carried off the box under one arm, and hearty axe under the other, and settled down to slap it together in the wink of an eye, and have neglected until this exact moment the fact that you're an idiot who couldn't assemble clothespeg if his life depended on it. Fine, I'll bail you out yet again, with this short guide to assembling any and all objects, with a minimum of frustration, and a maximum of model glue. MM MM MM
1) Open Box. This may take some time, as they're always taped shut, or folded up in some quasi-cardboard-origami fashion, and the cardboard flaps will invariably stick underneath eachother, leaving space enough for a three year old's fingers only. Just pick a random side, and pull at it until the box opens.
2) That was the wrong present, and you just ripped the cover off a nice book, didn't you? Feel pretty stupid don't you? Well, you probably won't live in this high-tech world long enough to procreate, so don't worry about passing on stupid genes. Just live out the rest of your stupid life, stupid.
3) Alternatively, find a three year old, and make him open it.
4) Now you have the present removed from it's shell and before you, waiting for assembly. Take this opportunity to enjoy a tall glass of eggnog. MMMMMMM. Good nog? Good.
5) Wipe off the ridiculous nog-moustache, and focus.
6) Better check the expiration date on that stuff. It tasted off. Oh wait. It was nog. It's supposed to.
7) Reassess the situation. Does the present actually need assembly? This could save innumerable hours. If not, skip to the end. Otherwise, continue to 9.
8) This step is filler, because I mistyped the above step, and was too lazy to go back and change the 9 to 8. Ironic huh?
9) Take a firm hold of the largest section present, lift it to eye level, and inspect it. This is for third-party observers only, and shouldn't take too much effort.
10) With your other hand, root through the box, and find the assembly instructions. The three year old has them, doesn't he? You should have returned him after step 3. Too late now though. Improvise.
11) This is a good time for more delicious nog. Rich in eggy goodness. If it's not nog, it's not Christmas.
12) With your still-empty hand, grab a smaller piece, and rotate it until you see a prong, or tab, or something abnormal, and jab it repeatedly against the larger portion, until by sheer luck, it attaches. Success!
13) Repeat 11 until you form an action figure, or a 3-d representation of a Picasso painting. No no, his foot is SUPPOSED to have five fingers and clutch a gun. Stupid.
14) If the present isn't actually an action figure, tough. You're on your own. Guess these instructions aren't as general as adverised, huh? Stinks to be you, Doctor VonCan'tAsssemble McMangle. Mr I-can't-assemble-Jack.
15) Drown your sorrow and constructionally-challenged-self-doubt in a forsty mug of nog. The only drink that's also a shaving cream!
17) Offer nog to the three year old. You have to feed those things repeatedly, you know. They ain't like that cactus buried in your closet that's still growing. Not a bit.
18) NOG!
19) Ignore the fact that this article started with nothing, and slowly petered away to even less.
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