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Photo Gallery I'm Sorry |
Blatant Lies and Absolute Falsehoods I think it's safe to say that I won't be conquering the planet any time soon. The earth will definitely not be dominated by yours truly this week, and probably not by the end of this month. If you've made any bets, wagers, or speculations with friends, somebody owes somebody five bucks. I can say, without fear of argument, that as of my writing this article, countries the world over are not kneeling before me. Now, don't think for a moment that it's due to a lack of effort. Believe me, I have made every effort to seize control of key military installations and well-marketed fast food chains, but have come up short in the unlimited resources and power department. Yet again. I strongly believe that the main factor in my failure to usurp total reign lies in the fact that I'm frankly just not global dictator material. I don't have the hair for it, for one. It's too thin, and military leaders can't have thin hair. For another thing, planetary head honchos always have fancy 'Monte Blanc' pens, to sign important treaties with. All I have is a Bic. It's blue, but that's just not enough. Lousy Bic. Third, if you're counting, fourth if you're not, military leaders have militant followers, a criteria whose necessity I cannot stress enough, charisma, assertiveness, and a certain je ne ses quas(I've ordered the je ne ses quas on E-bay though, it arrives Thursday. $45!). Yet I can barely get girls to talk to me, let alone thousands follow me. So you see, the major obstacle in this endeavour of mine, preposterous and downright stupid though it may seem, is you. If you attendees of FFSS would simply hang on my every word, and respect and support my non-existent political ideologies, I would be that much closer to achieving something with my life, instead of sitting at home writing this. But no, you have to have independent will, and free thought, and all those things. No sheep-like blind ignorance for you, you're too good for that. You really know how to let a guy down, don't you? You truly enjoy seeing me fail, don't you? Answer me. Now. I'm right behind you, right now, as you read this. You didn't turn around did you? Don't bother answering aloud, it's obvious I hold no power over you. That would mean I was successful at something, and we can't have that, can we? You are a spiteful, spiteful people. I think we should call this whole thing off. I have my dreams, FFSS, you have yours, and yours aren't to conform to mine. If you're not willing to truly work at this leader/massive following relationship, and spend the energy needed to keep it going, maybe it's best if we dropped it all together, and walked away, before we both say something we'll regret. I still want us to be friends, FFSS, just not political figures. In a different place, a different time, a different social order, this may have worked out. Who knows. At least we'll always have the rallies, that you never attended. back |
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