Welcome! To

Greetings paeans. Yes, before you is the second, legitimate article of mine, printed for the world to embrace. Although technically sans a subject, it is still a work of pure genius, due simply to the fact that I wrote it. You see, being printed in a newspaper not only gives one the right, nay duty, to say "Hey, I've been printed in a newspaper", it also makes one an authority on any subject, an expert on anything one wishes, and frankly, a better person entirely.

That my words were broadcast in paper and ink sets me above the average plebe. My instant fame grants me much influence in political and social circles, influence the likes of which your feeble minds could barely hope to grasp. I am an official, authentic, undeniable newspaper-writing-for-guy, and have been imbued with the greater worth of being therewith entailed.

No more a hapless, average denizen of FFSS am I. My short but insightful articles grant me untold powers, which place me above the meek and the common. I am one of the elite, one of the noble, and one of the, were it not for constant reminders in the form of hazings and unending name-calling, socially accepted. Indeed, in several foreign countries, I am revered not only as a philosopher, and bearer of copies of "Rumours", but almost as an earth-bound deity. Their songs of praise and honour go not unheeded by my perfectly-shaped ears(well, they are), and it is not unknown for me to grace their otherwise dull, and lacklustre lives with stories of my great and mystical deeds.

In these troubled times, turn not your attention upon worrisome matters, but instead, upon me, and the undeniable fact that I am really quite terrific. Concentrate on my numerous wonderful traits, including in no particular order my analytic mind, fine culinary skills, excellent hygiene, humbleness, charity, straight teeth, and quality penmanship. Why not spend countless hours noticing otherwise unnoticed great qualities of mine? Discuss them with friends. Make and compare lists. Compete to see who can best describe my limitless stupendousness in 25 words or less!

Sadly, for you, I must now end my bestowment of virtuous words to you. Read them, learn from them, and by way of their once close proximity to me, better yourself from them. Are they not wise, and educated? Do they not fill you with awe and, in small doses, fear, at my magnificent command of the English language, and ultimately, any subject of which I see fit to declare myself a master? Yea, but I am truly great.