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If you are reading this, I have won. You see, being printed in the school newspaper isn't as simple as the previous issue implied. "Join the newspaper" the ad read, and this I tried to do. I submitted a droll little work of mine about shoes and shoe accessories to the editor. Not superb, but not horrible. "No Adam, we don't want you in our paper" was the curt reply.

When asked why, I was given several reasons, 27 to be exact, among these such pointed, but undeniable fact as "We don't like you", "Because we said so", and "You smell". It was a very convincing, well thought out, and accurate list. Thus began a detailed point-counterpoint debate on the subject. In my favour were the facts that I can read, have been known, on occasion, to read a newspaper, and have my own lapdesk upon which to write. Against me were the facts that no one wants to read anything I write and that I'm not funny. Obviously victorious, they pointed and laughed. I cried, but I persevered.

I remained outside their office for several days, staging protests during the days and plotting during the nights, until I wore them down to the point of offering me large amounts of money to drop the subject. I cried again, but refused. At last, calling in the big guns, I brought an equal rights lawsuit against them as individuals and as a group. The resulting out-of-court settlement allowed for a short and heavily-edited, maximum five hundred word, "waste of ink" as it was called by several staff, test groups, and family members.

This, however, did not stop several unnamed individuals from taking it upon themselves to burn every physical copy of the article in existence, and force entry into my house to erase all files associated with it from my computer. I cried.

So, taking matters into my own hands, I too forced my way into the newspaper's headquarters, namely the school, hacked my way into the necessary computer files, namely bribing a guy with the password, and inserted the exposé you see before you. Then, to keep up a theme, I cried.

So take note, potential fellow columnists, heed not their cries of "Leave!" or "Seriously, Adam, get over it.", for with a bit of patience, several high priced lawyers, and a crowbar, you too can write for this paper!
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